Sadness and Happiness

Things are gradually getting better. I now only break into tears a couple times a week, instead of a couple times a day. Memories are now happy memories of good times, instead of bad memories of bad times or the night that Amy passed away.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately if things happen for a reason. As a result of Amy’s death, I’ve made a number of new friends here locally and am actually getting out of the house from time to time and being somewhat social. This is a huge thing for me. Even with the sadness, my overall stress level has gone down tremendously.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with one of those friends in particular. She lost her husband in 2007, and we have an amazing number of things in common. It’s nice to be able to sit and talk to someone about your deceased spouse without having to worry about them getting annoyed at the stories – and it’s only better since we have a shared love of certain foods and certain book genres.

I may actually try to brave the hassle of the local Social Security office this week to see what hoops I have to jump through to get Amy’s $255 death benefit. It will help pay off bills.

Therapy for the Soul

I’ve had some long conversations with old friends lately; people from high school and college.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about stuff that happened back in the early and mid 90s; there’s no reason to continue holding a grudge about things that happened back then. All of us were young, stupid, and immature.

Being able to talk to someone and forgive/forget what happened so long ago is very therapeutic. I may have lost a wife, but I’ve regained some very dear friends.

Amy’s autopsy results and cause of death

I got the amended death certificate a few days ago. I was a little confused about the “Drowning” cause of death listed, but the “Other Contributing Factors” shows a heart attack, which made sense.

My mother just emailed me after talking on the phone with the Harris County medical examiner. They said that Amy had water in her lungs and stomach, and that her head *was* below the top level of the tub. I don’t remember it being that way, and when I found her there was no water in the tub to speak of. Mom has ordered a copy of the autopsy report and will send it to me when it arrives.

I’m convinced now that she had a heart attack, passed out, drowned, and then somehow kicked the plug out of the tub so that it drained.

In any case, no amount of paperwork is going to bring her back.